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Cassiopeium

Nous sommes condamnés à être libre

Friday, January 19, 2007

连载【十八】

【十八】

我在11年级最难的数学课里,听老师耐心地解释一道被中国高中生看到会严重怀疑我的智商的问题,同时试图在脑中理出整件事的过程:

SpencerAlec通过他认识了说起话来总喜欢眨眼的金发女孩Stacy,在那天下午他没有开车和我去打球(或者说教我打球更合适一些)。三天后Alec竟出现在校内电视台WLHS的报道中,身旁的Stacy眨着右眼介绍说这就是不久前击败德鲁伊山主力球员的同学,刚从波士顿一所私立寄宿学校转来本校的Alec ChenAlec那身西装似乎很久已没有被熨过,却没有影响他演讲的效果。在一段五分钟的讲话里,AlecC-SPAN频道中出现的无数政客那样,微笑着表达出自己对湖滨高中的热爱,同时希望大家能够在接下来的校刊与校报副总编,以及Class President(年级主席)的竞选中支持他。这次演讲引起了不少讨论,来自于那些讨论男生像商人讨论期货一样的女生们。

不仅如此,英语课后我又发现AlecT9教室外与英文老师巫婆女士进行着融洽的谈话。巫婆本姓Weech,但因为时常无法抑制自己燃烧的文学激情而被其学生称为Witch。巫婆自几年前上任校报刊社与辩论队的指导后,不仅两个团体越办越差,连自己的婚姻也发生了破裂。现在校报已由周刊成为月刊,每次免费发放后都被黑人同学们整叠拿去厕所缓解手纸紧缺的问题。校刊只有在暑假前才印刷,作为限量珍藏版在若干自己创作兼排版的编辑中流传。而巫婆投入最大精力的辩论队,则从未在任何地区性比赛中取得名次,成为唯一一个其他湖滨高中竞赛性团体可以耻笑的队伍。

三天后,眼圈青黑的Alec手捧几页大概是熬夜赶出来的演讲稿,在英文教室里滔滔不尽地读出自己对改善我校学生出版物窘况的计划。Alec的英文讲得干净利落,不像亚城的孩子,虽然生活在大城市里,但话中总还夹杂着一丝不易察觉的南方音调。我专注地听Alec读出的每一句话,其中不乏很多我从未听过或听过后只记得我曾经听过的词。我的词汇量很小,因为生词这种东西就好像是穷人身上的虱子,开始时会认真地消灭每一个,久而久之就麻木起来。Alec疲惫的双眼中充满了自信。我突然想起前几日对Alec的想法,不禁觉得十分可笑。那又何尝不是另一个我白日里无故产生的幻想呢。Alec自始至终都是这样自信的一个人。

这时Alec正讲到自己就读于私立学校时曾担该校报编辑的经历,并激动地说自己有信心将我校报刊也发展成全亚城甚至全州高中出版物当中的翘楚。谁知他肢体语言使用过度,手一挥,竟打掉了身后墙上那副美国著名的丑八怪,亨利·戴维·梭罗的画像上。还好Alec一把抓住了那副巫婆偶像的画像。在场的各位不知是为Alec的演讲还是他的敏捷反应鼓起热情的掌声,只有那个叫Kim的韩国女生在角落里漫不经心地玩自己的头发……

 

我与Alec发现了一处未被开拓过的篮球场地,它属于座落在居民区深处的一所小学。每天三点整全校的小学生们排成队,三分钟内被塞进黄校车内运得一干二净,而我和Alec会在四点钟学校变得完全寂静后来到这里打球。

小学的设施同湖滨高中一样很旧。篮球场后是块几乎一样大小的棒球场,没有草皮的黄土地赤裸裸地露在外,好像一块伤疤。篮球场的水泥地面被一副巨大的美国地图覆盖着,或许是学校建成时画的,因为大部分颜色都已褪去,只能依稀分辨出各州的轮廓来。

Alec站在德克萨斯州的位置将篮球投向篮筐。球在蓝圈上转了一圈,没进,然后无力地弹在地上。我扫视周围,我的右手是小学贴有有黄砖的平房,而左手球场的尽头延伸出一条蜿蜒的小径,渗入深色的树林中。这种小径在亚城的有许多,供居民在上边散步或遛狗。这条显然没有太多的人光顾,连入口处的路牌都已被杂草遮住,无法看到牌上的自。它很可能有十几个英里长,连向远处的某个社区公园,也可能很短,在绕树林一圈后又回到这里。

我对这种未知的道路总有股难以抑制的好奇感,每次看到都想走进去探索路的尽头是怎样的一片天地。但我从未那样做过。我的身后总有人在等待我继续我们的旅程,我自己也不愿为这中途的以一站耽误自己需要做的事。

“接住!”

我一侧身,球打在了肩膀上。Alec在篮筐下似笑非笑地看着我,奇怪我为什么会看着一片树林发呆。

“这里的树很多。”Alec也朝那条小路望去。

“波士顿没有树吗?”我刚说完就意识到这句话很可笑,自己的中文似乎退步不少。

“我不记得了。”

不知Alec为什么会这样回答。我们的谈话并未继续下去,毕竟来到这里的目的是打球,而不是说话。

巫婆最终决定让Alec担任《维京人》的副总编,而韩国女生Kim则成为《Skald》的副总编。总编按惯例由去年的副总编担任,不过那两位正为准备大学申请忙得焦头烂额,所谓的权利还是落在AlecKim手中。同时Alec也加入了巫婆的辩论队。我不知道他为什么那样做,因为辩论队的队长是Kim。巫婆对Alec这位新转来的勤奋上进的学生深表满意。Alec对我说巫婆甚至主动提出来明年要为他写推荐信。他说笑的样子似乎表明他对此根本不屑。这使我更不能明白他为什么要费劲去做这一切。

posted by Cassiopeium at 4:06 am  

Thursday, January 11, 2007

我要告诉你的是,我18岁,这或许对你我来说都不意味着什么.

但我学会了,也或是我终于领悟了,用心去写作.

posted by Cassiopeium at 2:52 am  

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

够了够了

For God’s sake, stop spamming my Blog. really, I mean it.

有没有高手知道WordPress用的阻止IP访问的插件..
——————————–

最近博客没怎么写,写的话也大多不是自己内心的话.知道有人会看,就在刻意地去考虑别人看后的感受.
不管怎样,一但我写博客,甚至写作的初衷若有改变,就再也不会写出同样的东西来.
如果有人读过我的日记觉得从中获得了偷窥的快感那就去爽吧,我不在乎,那样的人很可悲.
我18了,是不是该脱离那些天很阴霾我很悲伤人生路茫茫的东西,写一些更加深刻的故事,感情上瞬间地升华脱变.

比如爱与恨,生存与死亡,或者爱与情色,生命与杀戮.

我很喜欢暴力的美学,喜欢冷兵器时代刀光剑影的情景.我也喜欢写充满欲望的爱情故事,但决不是暧昧的言情,而是现实且残忍的悲剧,令人压抑却无法停止思考的故事.

嗯,你们到底理解我多少呢.我自己又理解自己多少?或许并不如你们了解的多.
也或许,我们看到了不同的东西.

===================================
壹个人,壹座城…..
雪儿说.

我承认自己是个孤独的人,且一直拒绝承认自己在寂寞中忍受折磨.我告诉有些人,时间久了会开始享受一个人独处的生活.仿佛这座城市里,别无他人.
而深夜时,这种感觉是完美的.

我有没有对你提起过,我很喜欢一个叫做<模拟城市>的游戏
我用了很多很多时间去建造一座华美的不夜都市.拥有宽阔的街道与现代化的摩天大楼.
我很想造一座这样属于自己的城.城里没有拥挤的车流,没有喧闹的人群,只有稀疏的楼房与很大片的落叶林,在秋天时美丽无比.
我幻想落雨的布拉格街头是怎样,深秋傍晚的巴黎赛纳河畔是怎样.
就是那样一座城
造好后,躲进去,忘掉你,忘掉生活,忘掉时间,忘掉一切.

心理课上听说记忆是不可靠的,可以人为地将其制造.
那么,我能否选择性地失忆呢?
如果可以,我想忘掉什么? 每忘掉一部分,我就失去了一点自己. 所以,我能忘掉什么呢.
寂寞到深处是恐怖的, 我开始不顾一切地找事情给自己做,让自己一时摆脱这种吞噬我的感觉.
但又能有何好处呢.到头来只是更多的寂寞与烦躁.

我有没有告诉过你,我曾经喜欢过一个人.但我后来不再喜欢她了.我宁愿告诉自己那是因为我不知所措.
亦或许,我从来就不曾喜欢任何人,我只是孤单,需要人来陪我说话.
在寂寞的时候我完全没有心理防线,我只是需要倾诉,和听你倾诉
自己心中的话与一个人说多了,自然而然觉得自己是喜欢那个人的,于是也就努力地做出喜欢的样子.
这就是Self-fulfilling Prophecy么?

我有没有跟你说过,寂寞的时候,我通常正在上网.我每次都会看她的博客.她有一双真正的充满悲伤的眼睛.但我同样不能肯定,因为我看到的只是网络中的她.
但如果要我找个老婆,一定就是她,那个网络中的她.
外表的美丽似乎能带来很多,想要的与不想要的.
或许某一天她的博客里很多仰慕她与辱骂她的留言中会出现这样一条: Thy Beauty is Thy Misery….

我有没有…..

posted by Cassiopeium at 2:21 am  

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