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Cassiopeium

Nous sommes condamnés à être libre

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

连载【二十九】

等我最终写完这个可憎的小说时,肯定会歇斯底里,大哭一场,然后深深睡去。让两个生活在梦中彼此融合为一……

【二十九】

节日来临时,人们集体出动,给自己放浪形骸、豪饮暴食找到完美的借口。

我拒绝了Matt寒假前的迁居派对邀请。Matt其父终于媳妇熬成婆,副教授做正,成为了剥削阶级。大爽之下在劳伦斯维尔购置新宅一栋。Matt抱怨上学要跨区,其父立即丢给他一把崭新的Camry车钥匙。派对由Matt主持,估计亮点不是大麻就是酒精,或两者皆有。但举办地点不在Matt的新家,而是一个打赌输掉的可怜虫家中。

“既然这样,告诉你一个秘密。”Matt神秘地对我说。

我已做好了解他阴暗一面的准备。

“我的真名是Mattiv,我是俄国人。”想不到他也学会了无厘头。

“不开玩笑了,改天来我的新家,请你喝加奶油的蓝色柑桂酒加龙舌兰。还有按摩浴池和漂亮姑娘。哈哈”Mattiv很潇洒地走了。

周一午饭时Matt的手机响起,他刚揭起电话就听见其中传来一个中年男人的怒吼声,之中夹杂着英文几乎所有骂人的词汇。Matt笑得面部快抽筋,却用严肃地语气回答着对方:

“哦不,先生,绝对没有,请你相信我。我对此彻底不知情。”

“真的吗?那太糟糕了。先生,请允许我对您的遭遇报以最深切的同情,但我必须声明这一切与我毫无关系。“

五分钟后Matt挂掉手机,然后彻底笑瘫在餐桌上。

Spencer也笑起来,说上周六的派对实在太疯狂了。

比上次还疯狂?

啊,疯狂多了,最后要不是邻居打了911,我看那个可怜鬼的房子都要被点着了。

我看着眼前这两位幸灾乐祸的家伙,有种想冲上去揍他们的冲动。

因为我很愤怒他们没告诉我,派对会这么好玩。

Alec匆匆走来,对我说,寒假回来后的周二放学后一起去玩。随后又消失在餐厅门外。

我感觉已多日不见Alec了。他仍准时出现在教室中,任何时候都精力旺盛地听讲并记录笔记。但却变得沉默寡言,总在下课与放学后匆匆离开,与我讲话也只是寥寥几句后便转身离去。

他花了大量的时间陪Chloe,而Chloe并不需要也不想要他来陪。这就好像我们终日强迫自己演的那许多场戏,每个人都是出色的演员,演一出现实般的话剧,且或许还乐在其中。每场戏都演得超越了现实,替代了现实,改变了现实,最终变得比现实更加残酷的真实。

我感到Alec在演一出结局必定不是喜剧的戏。只是,他完全像强迫症患者那样。我记起亚城华埠那家破败的中餐馆的老板曾对我说,“这叫欲罢不能”。

元旦前的傍晚,客厅里父母和若干持有H或F签证合法在美居留的中国人打牌。我站在自己卧室中狭长的落地窗前,静静看楼下。眼前这或许是二十世纪八十年代风格的百叶窗帘被我折断了几叶,远看仿佛脱了羽毛的鸽子翅膀。透过窗帘缝隙看去,结满冰晶的玻璃外只能窥见一片深蓝。我拿出相机,以又折断一条窗叶的代价拍下一张照片。

镜头焦点对到了玻璃上,照片里只有许多形状不规则的冰晶。

我又将镜头对向自己,拍下了这一年最后的留念照。

但这次因为屋内太暗,只能看到一个轮廓,甚至无法辨认是人还是动物。

我想起Spencer说过,学校很多人拥有叫Xanga的部落格。我于是也上网申请了账户,把自己这些年来陆续写的日志发表在其上。因都是中文,估计本校不会有人能读懂。也不会有人去读。

许久后,卧室的门被敲开,有人叫道,新年到了,快出来吃西瓜。

又是一年,我不停地对自己说道。再次走到窗前,窗外传来楼下那家黑人的两位小孩玩耍的声音。家中唯一的成年人是他们的母亲,一个二十岁出头的黑人女孩。时常见到一身时髦而廉价妆扮的她将超市的购物车推到公寓楼下,然后和自己两个七八岁的孩子将袋子提入房内,有时还有从救世军商店拿来的旧货。这一家据说是新奥尔良搬来的飓风难民,由政府免费安置在这个公寓内。现在免费期过了还继续免费住在这里。

无雪的深冬寒冷且干燥,走在路上常会幻想口中呼出的热气骤然冻结成为灰尘般的微小颗粒,然后随风被刮走。即使亚城的冬季从不缺乏阳光,我仍感到自己无可避免地患上了季节性情绪失调,进入瞳孔的所有光线无一例外变得惨白而抑郁。低温令大部分植物都进入了休眠期,却唤醒很多隐藏在记忆深处,本以为被忘却的事。

开学两天前我去了Coté d’Azur。或许因为假期尚未结束,点内除我之外只有店员一人,不是Chloe,而是一个蛮可爱的亚洲女孩,长发在脑后束成马尾,没有微笑。我点了一杯热巧克力,想着可以随便聊起的话题。但她性格似乎较内向,没有太多的话,自顾自地忙碌着,不时抬头看看吊在吧台上方的电视,里边正在放《Friends》。我有些无所事事地坐在吧台上与她一起看,不久脖子就酸了。我并不喜欢看《Friends》,但我绝对能看懂,也肯定她没看懂多少,因为演到几处该笑的地方,她仍茫然地看着,毫无笑意。不过,或许她根本没用心看。也或许她本就是不爱笑的人。

目光移向门口,门外空荡的街道上不仅行人寥寥,连车辆飞驰而过的声音都很难听到。

我突然非常期望门外此刻飘起茫茫大雪。铃铛声响起,门被人推开,数片雪花随她一起飘入,落在脚下,迅速融化。仿佛我所知道的所有完美的媚俗爱情故事都以这一幕开始:推开在冬季洋溢着温暖与浪漫气息的咖啡厅的门,刹那间,一场令人陶醉的恋爱就要发生,她走进他的等待,而他出现在她旅程的一站。但我试图捏造的故事还没开始就已结束,我已经来到门外。我发现自己站在齐膝深的雪中,视线所能及处皆为刺目的白色。随着双眼逐渐开始适应,我回到了曾经等待校车路的站牌旁。街尽头有铲雪车开来,一路践踏过无瑕的积雪路面,并撒下煤渣与盐。染成灰黑色的积雪被铲子推向路两旁,形成两道半人高的墙。她从冰冻的树丛中走来,在街对面的雪墙后驻足,静静地望着我,不言语。我呼唤她的名字。但一张口,所有的话都冻成冰块,摔进脚下的积雪中,碎为无数块,无影无踪……

一时走神,巧克力溅在了上衣领口处。可爱女店员立即找出纸巾递给我。

“谢谢。”

“不客气。”

“呃,今天似乎很冷。”

她却问我:“你的名字是?”

我立即听出她英文带有口音。

“我叫Mina,你是?”她再次问。

但很好听。

posted by Cassiopeium at 3:22 am  

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

所谓,三年不鸣,然后就挂了…

有时候不得不想,若多年后我终于成为身价数十亿的商界新贵,或是中国政坛新星,或国际级律师事务所合伙人,或著名旅美国学学者,或再夸张一点,中国文坛21世纪最显赫的作家,那时我回忆起自己十几岁时浑浑噩噩度过的日子,会是怎样的感觉?

但同样不得不想到处于另一个极端的可能性:在下班后开着自己的新买的第二辆丰田凯美瑞去幼儿园接自己的小孩回那栋二十年按揭的房子。回家后和日渐发福的老婆就这个月水电帐单超出预算而拌嘴的同时上网浏览中国大陆时事,心里还盘算着上次的任务完成的不错老板会不会一高兴年终奖金多给个两千块,那样就终于可以买那个心仪很久的佳能镜头,然后在长周末一家人开车去国家公园摄影。熟睡中梦到少年时的自己站在台上,面对台下的无数人宣读自己的豪情壮志。醒来后想起做过的那个梦,有些百感交集。身旁的老婆看着我说你那副嘴脸是干什么。笑笑说这两天降温,左脚踝的老毛病又犯了,都是上高中时打蓝球落下的毛病。

这世上恃才傲物者、志大才疏者、怀才不遇者最终大都过上了悲惨的平庸的生活。平平淡淡真的不是真,如果这样想,那便确实是老了。这就是为什么有个看似平凡的 JOE AVERAGE某日突然端起了AK-47,干起了杀人越货的勾当来。或许他最开心的时候,就是看到无数枪口、镜头、眼光对准自己的那一刻。尼采不是说,人的一辈子是本需要自己去书写的无字白书。这种突然暴走的人,就是把自己的书一把火点了,看了个亮。

所以要时常静下来审视自己的这本写了一半的书写成什么风格、何种文学派别了。然后才意识到其实这和写小说太不同了,这本书不能想写就写,想放就放个十天半月,更不能删了重写或进行编撰。这本书理论上可以为所欲为地发挥,却被太多的东西禁锢约束着。

虽然这前十几年不能算一部很积极向上的文学著作,但还好,不算恐怖、灾难、悬疑、科幻,更不是变态的另类文学。

“Many men believe that no life is determined in advance, that all stories are essentially a chain of coincidences. And yet even those who believe this come to the conclusion, when they look back, that events they once took for chance were really inevitable.” –Orhan Pamuk , Beyaz Kale

“What we have not chose we cannot consider either our merit or our failure”.
–Milan Kundera, the Unbearable Lightness of Being

其实这两句话并不代表两种对立的关系,甚至不能说一句是消极的,另一句是积极乐观的。但我从它们之中,似乎悟出了将自己从无止境的所谓的相对主义观点中所拯救的哲理。

对于无法控制的事,自然不必去想。
因此我仍是要相信存在主义,相信人的意志决定一切,即使性格是早已注定,从而注定了我们今后所走的路。
如果我此时决定,我自然可以去改变生活中的一切。
就好像双脚踩在摩天大楼顶端的边缘,目光顺着因透视而扭曲的楼体至底部,看到不计其数的人群车辆细如蝼蚁。
瞬间就被无尽的晕眩感所吞噬。

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:47 am  

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sick and Sickened

I was sick for several hours yesterday, the way I’ve always been when I got sick.

I boiled some water with the old jug parents brought me all the way from my other home in America. I took the medicines mother packed in my luggage and pupated myself in bed; the body wrapped in the warmth and fretfulness of six o’clock darkness. Then I made a dream in French,

Les mots répètent dans la mémoire, ad infinitum…

I do not speak a single complete sentence of French, yet I was fluent in my dreams. Then I realized: things said in my dream were mostly likely gibberish. Perhaps I also dreamt of someone whom I called my confidant, whom I found a stranger until now, ten years into my obstinate friendship with him.

As I opened someone’s Blog, her music made me cry. Gone is the blissful unrest of adolescence, forever incorrigible. When I opened a small notepad to scribble down some words in the Absurdistan that are unseen before, I saw the vocabularies I’d written on it months ago, which are still unbeknown to me up until this point of my life.

So, I told myself, this was when you had a conscientiousness and work hard, which was about twenty-percent of your much wasted life. You’ve paid this much effort to be here, and now you are succumbing to your sloth once again, looking more deprived than ever.

I do not know when I started wanting to learn French. I attribute it to a movie I’d seen when I was still an unabashed schoolboy. Now the reasons have diffused into my very subconsciousness—picturing me standing amid the immense glittering purple of lavender filed in Provence, or the grotesquely beautiful monochrome of facades in Paris‘ St-Germain.

Oui, St Germain, Science Po. That’s where I wanna go.

I thought a 710ml bottle of Pepsi helps soothing my creaky and sickening body that lies half-naked on the bed in a rather peculiar Gestalt. It is then the cause of my insomnia.

Screw the so-thought, self-classified conceptions of your relativism, screw it.

And your formidably glorious four point ‘o, and your getting into the law school. all of which lie within the penumbra of such dreamy, idealized world; your sheer naiveté and ignorance about law, about morality, and being a caller of social justice or injustice.

Blessed is your intelligence, blasphemous is your attitude.

posted by Cassiopeium at 4:36 am  

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