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Cassiopeium

Nous sommes condamnés à être libre

Friday, November 30, 2007

连载【三十】

【三十】

四点整准时等在停车场出口,却不见Alec的车。路上驶来一辆我不认识的黑色敞篷车,开近后发现驾驶座上是Alec。仔细看看,原来是辆半新的阿尔法·罗密欧,穷人的法拉利。这是北美已停产的车。

“不错吧,我表哥从波士顿托运过来的,他在那儿开二手车行。”Alec放下车窗,我看到Chloe安静地坐在黑色皮革的后座上。我们驱车来到Coté d’Azur。不久后Chloe从吧台之后走出,头发向后扎起,一身标准的店员服装穿在身上,手中端着一块精致的九寸巧克力蛋糕。那天遇到的女孩也从后堂走出,手中拿着五颜六色的蜡烛。Alec开心地笑起来。

“原来你们早预谋好了。”
蜡烛吹灭后大家相继掏出礼物。Alec看着我,真诚地说:
“什么都别送给我,能有你这样一个朋友,是最好的礼物。”
“别让我怀疑你们两人的取向……” Chloe竟调侃起我们来。
“该死,终于还是让你发现了。”Alec故作尴尬地笑起来,露出两排精心维护的洁白牙齿。

我从书包中掏出一个盒子,修整了被压得略有变形的包装,递给Alec。上次看他钱包时,已记住了驾照上的生日。Alec这次吃了一惊,表情复杂地看着我。

“我当然不会忘掉。”
他没说什么,侧过头看正在微笑的Chloe,她双眼弯成两条妩媚动人的弧线,嘴角仍有那条淡淡的笑纹。
“OK……我来介绍一下,这是从日本奈良来我们学校的交换生Mina。”Chloe说。

“Hi” 她轻微地欠了下身,头发没有扎在脑后,垂了下来,看不清她脸上的表情。目光相遇,惊慌失措的却是我自己。都怪这里亚洲女生太少,随便看到一个亦会激动。不过她的美貌却毋庸置疑。我怀疑日本对所有交换生都进行了严格筛选。我校去年自横滨交换来后藤姓男生一名,就身长六尺,仪表堂堂,毫无倭国国民之态。

近来喜欢上偷家父放在冰箱里的啤酒喝,且对于这种违法行径做得心安理得,因法律存在的理由主要就是被人违反。也因我料定不会有警察在我横躺于沙发上灌着酒、吃着阿爆米花看NCAA篮球赛时将门一脚踹开,用枪指着我大喊:趴在地下!让我看到你的手!接着嘴中重复着米兰达原则将我铐起带走。Alec为喝酒找到堂皇的理由——作不了60年代的伯克力学生,至少可以这样表示一下自己的叛逆,抗议法律规定自己够年龄为国捐躯,却不够年龄喝瓶啤酒。但这条对我不适用,我的国籍属于一个啤酒与人命都很可以便宜买到的国家。

几瓶酒猛灌下去,起身的时候竟然有点儿飘飘然。扑到床上,戴起花五元钱从沃尔马买得中国产耳机听新买不久的iPod——自己的圣诞礼物。Alec将我这种行为比喻为穿一身破烂开法拉利。我怎么听都觉得他有自嘲的意思,他每天外表光鲜得像个要出庭辩护的律师,还不是只开辆二手的“穷人的法拉利”。不过转念想想我自己连车都没有,也只能耸肩不语。其实开上了法拉利,拿去当U-Haul使也没问题,在这个自由过度的自由国度,连地方小报都不见得能上,倒说不定会有社区心理健康服务的人找上门来。这年头高收入阶层普遍高压力,发病也频繁。我听着Ludacris唱的外文歌曲,耳机不堪重负,发出阵阵类似暴乱现场的噪声。难怪都说黑人说唱劲爆。

手机响了,电话那头的Alec鄙夷地说,无论你听的是什么玩意儿,能不能把声音关小点。我正愁没人一吐酒后之言,摸掉耳机,笑呵呵地说什么事啊。通常Alec打电话都是有必要的事情通知我。

“今天你怎么总是看她?”Alec问。

我心想我是经常趁人不注意多看Chloe几眼,但这事儿也不能怪我。Alec连这也发现了,还特意说出来,真是小心眼。

“我说的是那日本女孩儿。”Alec补充到。
“哦,哦,那个,哈哈哈。”我没想到他这么问。
“没有啊。”也不知道我是否真的喝多了,反正此刻无法回忆。
“你是不是…那个, 上她了?”Alec继续问。
“啊?”我酒全醒了。
“哦对不起,我是说,那个上她了。那个,看上她了?”Alec为自己的中文道歉,虽然自己都不知道怎么说错了。
那当然是没有,我堂堂中华男儿,岂能…….
“不要跟我不说真话吧。”
我沉默片刻,叹着气说道,“其实也不是,但她让我想起某人。”
“谁是某人?”Alec用中文发问的方式真是奇怪,但语法上似乎没有错误。

看来我的联想能力太过丰富。

秋天来的时候,院子里的酸苹果树粉色的果实落在草地上,密密麻麻的一地。我站在一片粉色之中,捡起其中一颗,然后看她走来。

“你说酸苹果能吃么?”我问她。
“一定很酸。”
我咬了口手中的果子,立即啐了出来。“真的很酸。”
她似笑非笑地看了我一眼,走入秋色之中,去远处那排秋千旁的信箱取信。她手中的钥匙晃着圈儿,发出的响声被我身后几个孩童的嬉闹声掩盖。

“然后呢?”Alec问
“没有然后,然后她就搬走了。”
“什么?”Alec被我这个没有开头,只有结尾的故事搞得莫明其妙。

我也努力去回想这个故事的始末,但记起的仅是无数短暂、细微的瞬间,我似乎可以将它们拼成完整的实体,但试图接近时,却突然摔在地上,再次碎得四分五裂。

其实这个过程很短暂,但我花去了太多时间使自己集中注意力——我怀疑自己有间歇性的ADD,Alec已失去耐心。

“好吧,我不问了。还有件事,学校旁边的教会下周举办三对三比赛,我为你我报了名,还需要一人。”

我立即想到了黑哥,有了他不仅内线有保障,也增加了种族多样性,说不定还能跟他沾点儿Affirmative Action的光。

挂掉电话后我思绪继续混乱着,狠揪了揪头发,猛地坐起身。iPod从床上滑了下去。

我跪在地上寻找着,在床底不少干瘪的苹果核与橘子皮之间找到了iPod,同时看到最里边的那个旅行箱。我花很大力气将箱子抽出来,灰头土脸地在其中翻来覆去。都是些我来亚城之前,认为不会再用,却又不舍得丢弃的物件,其中不少是离开中国时随身携带的。我又趁机缅怀了一下自己的童年,再次感到那仿佛是场与我无关的儿童节木偶剧。

箱子里有个糖果盒,打开后发现里边还有许多层。一边为这个俄罗斯套娃的创意哭笑不得,一边打开包装内的一个信封。

信封里是个印有JC Penny图案的布制钱包,在西雅图购物中心购满一百元的赠品。

我的目光全部定格在它之上,这个我以为与书包一同丢失在小石城灰狗站肮脏的候车厅长椅上的钱包。

钱包里没有钱,只有一封信、一张照片。

posted by Cassiopeium at 7:03 am  

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

关于语言与辩论

几句闲谈,莫做认真之论

说英文的坏处/好处是因为表达能力远远跟不上自己的思维速度,所以任何思想表达出来都必须压缩,再压缩。
坏处是口才因此大打折扣;好处是这样没有了多余的废话,虽思维受阻且表达不一定到位,但每句话都直奔主题。

要考验一个人的语言能力,自然是要他坐下来撰文一篇,白纸黑字,水平高低显而易见。
但说话也非常能反映人的逻辑能力以及语言能力。只是大多数人在特定的场合下所讲话的措词、句型都是不同的。在和朋友聊天的时候若用一口满是学术性的语气去说话,就显得冠冕堂皇、不近人情。

但有些人和你讲话时,逻辑清晰、词汇实用得体、表达到位,言简意赅,无半句多余。偶尔遇到此类人,听他们英文中脱口而出的恰到好处的比喻与描述,就使我自叹英文还远不够好。

与人辩论也是检测自己语言与思维能力的有效手段。但辩论在大多数情况下都以毫无收获无端争执告终。
但辩论的目的并不是为了说服彼此。在我上辩论课时,阅读材料扉页有句话大意是:如果没有辩论,人类便无法进步。而事实的确如此,任何思想都需要交流才能发展、完善。
但我平时所卷入的大部分辩论都是毫无结果与意义的。有时候辩论仅仅是为辩论而辩论(Argue for the sake of arguing),这就成为了争论 (Argument)而不再是辩论(Debate)

但我不喜高中CX式的辩论,那样的比赛的确能够锻炼人,却太过于形式主义,规则使辩论本身不再重要,而使为赢得辩论所做的繁琐准备及能够提供以支持论点的冗长资料成为了重点。
从 而使得我所了解的大部分辨手居然可以倚靠资料本身混日子,而对自己所辩话题毫无理性的认识。在参加辩论一学期队后我认识到自己即使花去无数时间,但由于英 文本身的障碍,仍无法达到一个高度,因此没有继续下去。现在对太模式化的辩论没有太大兴趣,但不知道大学辩论是否会不同。

说到我所遇到的 一些辨手。几位和我同时期的拥有NFA (National Forensics Association,学院辩论的举办者)全国排名的高中同学并没有太多私交。但现在Stanford的一位学长,当初据说NFA排名在校史上都很高 (我校辩论队在全国高中长期排名前4),虽然和他没有过任何讨论式的谈话,但他个人的语言能力,以及说话时的气势,都是即使在平时也无法掩盖的。其它略有 交往的数位优秀辨手,只能说他们会遵循游戏规则,思维敏锐并勤奋努力,但本身没有过人的天赋及能力。

不过仍要说到U兄。U兄和我交往不 少,因此对他比较了解。他属于非常圆滑之人,说话无时不讨人喜欢。他自己本身也是出色的LD辨手。和他不多的几次交谈中我发现他思维极度迅速,令我惊讶。 他英文应该算是母语般流利,知识也较同龄人丰富。因此我自己清楚若用英文去和他辩论,思维一定是不如他快的。即使用中文跟他说,也是没有完全的把握的。

还 有其他人比如C同学,是位估计日后也要去Palo Alto求学的ABC。也是队中出色的辨手。他做人非常扎实,说话思维清晰。但最出色的还是他的语言天赋,不但西语学得不错,中文操着一口京片子,说得比 大部分国内刚来的中学生好很多。但他SAT阅读却考得不好,令人奇怪。

另外还有俩犹太人等等,虽然都是聪明人。从他们说话的方式看来或许能言善辩,但IQ高不代表EQ也高,都不招人喜欢。

遇到过许多聪明善辩的老师,但影响最深者非P先生莫属,P先生年过半白,身材属于典型的“沙发土豆”,但记忆、学识都非常过人。辩论起来引经据典,头头是道。
最令我佩服的还是他的理想化,要知道人20岁时做理想主义不难,但30年后仍能坚持那种理想,并选择自己喜欢的生活方式而不为生活所左右,的确难能可贵。
虽然我并不买他的那套哲学理论,但受他影响颇深。

我自己有时也爱犯许多不应有的错误。有人争论时胡搅蛮缠,我也随他来,只图个痛快。
有时候跟人争论半天,发现实在无聊,自己分明是以某事做为例证,到最后却缠住它不放。大家东一榔头、西一棒槌,还争得面红耳赤。
这就是自己思维能力不足的地方,容易为思索对他人的回复而将思考带入死角,为他人的思维所左右。

当然,我现在大多数时候都无意与人争论,Agreeing to disagree, 他无知或我无知,都无所谓了。且我自知学识有太多不足的地方,就一般事物不会发表太多长篇大论的意见,以显自己无知。同时也不愿过多纠正他人,算处事之上道。

我最崇拜的经济学家是Milton Friedman,并非因为他的理论著名,而是据说他思维快如闪电,且一生中与人现场辩论从未尝败绩。(这个有点怀疑,应说“学术生涯”更妥)

虽然一定要给一场辩论分胜败是毫无意义的,但辩论者心中自能分出高下。

posted by Cassiopeium at 2:06 am  

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A heart’s a heart’s fool

A heart’s a heart’s fool.
May he wish tear-soaked lines
Beguiled ephemeral tool.
Nightmare dinted smiles hoarse,
Scintillating passion drowned in her pool.

A heart’s a heart’s enemy.
Unspeakably he drew dure dagger,
A mirthful death left uncanny.
Inconsolable were hours together
Lest they were forsaken eternity

A heart’s a heart’s treasure.
Beseeched much for his decimation,
Soothing upon painful pleasure.
Fortune has yet done retaliation
For vacillating vanity measure.

A heart hence delivered.
Foes of liver and spleen
In Fatal Loins rein.

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:56 am  

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Mon premier journal en français

Mon premier journal en français (avec l’aide du dictionnaire)

Bon, je vais bien, très bien. Je ne fais aucun effort aujourd’hui. Ma vie est absurde.
Je suis existentialiste, j’ai confidence en ma philosophie, mais c’est trop obscur, oh lala…
Merde, le français est impossible. Alors, suffit accusation.
Je n’ai pas beaucoup de vocabulaire, je ne écris pas bien et puis mon grammaire est en anglais, il est drôle. Toutefois, c’est un bon commencement! Mais j’ai compris un peu de français, je vais étudier lui en peu des années. Corriger moi s’il vous plaît, mon pauvre grammaire…

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:56 am  

Thursday, November 15, 2007

强迫症

强迫症

他舞动决别幸福的双手不能停歇
她看他喃喃地说黑夜就此结束

他哭喊道未来哪儿去了
未来哪儿去了
哪儿去了

是否与她的美貌一起
像她月下的背影
那样淡去了

是否与她的伤心一起
像她摔下的镜子
那样破碎了

是否与她的泪滴一起
像她折断的花枝
那样枯萎了

是否还有人揶揄
他遮掩不了的失败
在烈日鞭挞下
脱水了

他稍纵即逝的希望
无休止地咆哮着
在背上砍下无数刀
清晰到了

令他选择性失忆
的枯叶坠地
周围尸骨上亿
于是仿佛他从未背离
他的朝圣地
他的梦想
他的未来

他将放纵重新捡起
同时灵魂在哭泣
平庸亦非唯一
认知失调后
他的乌托邦
他的梦想
他的未来

都在他无法停歇的双手
挥舞时
听她说亲爱的
刹时
停滞了

posted by Cassiopeium at 6:37 am  

Thursday, November 8, 2007

最后祷告

最后祷告

你跪于万千尸体之上
膝下血流成河
你双手合于胸前
哈里路亚
救赎非救赎
是邪世降世之路
是已颓败的无尽循环
是被诅咒的永冻劫难

清晨
糜烂的国度传来
哀鸣阵阵
风暴前的夕阳
一只乌鸦掠过苍穹
残存你
被绝望风干的双眼

第五年
世界变蓝
有先知途经这废黜的王国
将午夜时自杀的你
从泥土中拨起
你摧毁发出怪笑的石像
但安格拉·曼纽的权杖
驱使黑夜扑来
一口一口
将你肢体撕碎

创伤在希望的孑孓里
滋生未来
丧失灵魂的太阳蠕动着
真理堕地同时他大喊
咎由自取的

最后输给自己

查拉图斯特拉的血
溅在谁脸上?

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:19 am  

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