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Cassiopeium

Nous sommes condamnés à être libre

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

若干

溺水者

岸上窒息的你
缓缓聆听
她在水中沉溺

posted by Cassiopeium at 3:31 pm  

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another week

Slipping away from relearning mathematics into the ornate decors of The New Yorker’s narratives, and here now, I’m trying to write with an elusive state of mind while desperately in need of focusing.

Lots, and lots, of things happened in the past week, and virtually nothing, no goal established, have been done. Aside from this oxymoronic language, I do profess my life to be full. The proof is simple and salient: I no longer suffer in the endless, grueling sense of voidness–I shall not use the word "vanity," for I’m in no position yet to be bestowed with it.

Indeed, let’s quote Hamlet:
"’Tis e’en so: the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense. "

Nonetheless, I still have to confess myself to be a weak-tempered mediocrity at this stage.

What about writing? What about aspirations? What about…the eventual, NOT the temporal happiness, but the Moment of Consciousness I have determined to seek after?

And one person, whom I believed with unabashed naiveté that is awaiting to be saved.

Saved? by who?who can play the Savior? Lord himself, I believe, if at all… Even though he who is to be saved, has an option.

If you so choose to fall, then be it.

Getting sick on Monday has been a perfect excuse for my melancholic little monster of Sin to take control.

Last night I have gone to the Club, hoping to leave all my reveries behind, and indeed I have.

Walking alone on Rue de Maisonneuve after midnight, quietly reflecting in the little fizzling showers striking my collar and sleeves, I have again realized (and with some decisiveness this time!), that one day, one week, one person, one event, is not going to change me, nor is to lead me astray. I smiled at such thought. What a relief.

This was my Moment of Consciousness. I am back, so easy it was to slip away, fortunately I have not.

posted by Cassiopeium at 5:41 pm  

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

第三十五章

我独坐在礼堂后排,阵阵困意如涨潮般涌来。上学时每日午后的数学课间已养成了打盹的习惯。此时也顾不得Alec的半决赛即将开始,旁若无人地头一歪,大睡其觉。好在礼堂座位是沙发椅,若是方才教室里的长凳,一觉醒来只怕患上腰椎间盘突出。

我身旁说话声时隐时现,最终从耳中逐渐淡出。辩论终于开始了,我在半梦半醒中想道。不知睡了多久,耳边突然有人大喊自己的名字,朦胧中听出是Alec的声音。我挣扎着睁开眼,看到四周一片黑暗。Alec神情悲伤,用嘶哑的嗓音对我大声说:“她…她死了!”

“谁?是谁?”我惊道。

Alec喊出一个名字,但声音仿佛从很远处传来,拖着长长的回声,却始终听不清那个名字。

我仔细回想着他对我说过的人。是她!我突然反应过来,Alec在波士顿时的她。她的名字是什么?Brenda,抑或Miranda?我不记得了,但这并不重要,不知为何,我无比确信Alec说的就是她。

我对Alec说:“这已经过去了,都已过去了…”

Alec仿佛未听到,不顾一切地跑开了。我正要去追,发现他的钱包遗落在地。捡起打开,其中夹着张照片,但不是那个波士顿的女孩,竟然是Chloe。

我冲出房门,原本宽敞、明亮的大厅好像被无形的手用力从两端拉开,成为了一条逼仄阴冷的长廊。在远处的尽头,Alec呆立在电梯门口。我越来越疑惑,于是远看着Alec要有什么动作。过了不久,电梯门打开,一个女孩从中跨出一步,沉默着站在Alec面前。两人仿佛说了什么,女孩侧身从Alec身旁走了过去,又回首。Alec欲回身,但身子动了几下,却仿佛失去了转身的力气,仍僵对着电梯门。最后他终于下定决心般走进了电梯,随着一声轻响,电梯门关闭。女孩仍站在原地。早已不耐烦的我冲她大喊:

“喂!Alec去哪儿了?你知道么?”

她用平静却格外清晰的声音说:“去哪里?能去哪里呢?”

“他走了吗?”

“不…没人能离开…没人能离开这里…”她反复呢喃着同样的一句话,在我脑海中环锁萦绕,我默然地听着,仿佛在聆听一曲永不终止的吟唱。不知多久后,我突然觉得有些冷,下意识地抱紧了肩膀。而周围好像是封闭密室的阀门被敞开般,喧嚣声再次迅速增大。我发现自己回到了礼堂舒适的座位上,在强劲的冷气下打了个寒战。

比赛似乎已经结束,全场的人潮都在向我身旁的出口缓慢移来。我看到Alec和两位对手在台下稍做交谈、相互握手后,大步朝我走来。

我瞅着跟在Alec身后的两位辩手,是一高一矮两个身材消瘦的黑人,身穿一袭深蓝西服,都戴着方形细框眼镜,金边在礼堂灯光下熠熠闪烁。两人看起来倒像是是兄弟俩。

“太好了,是两个黑人。”我替Alec高兴。但几乎是喊出这句话的同时,也想起黑哥那天对我和Alec所说,顿时尴尬地闭上嘴。

“不,是犹太人,你看他们脖子上的六芒星项链。”Alec苦笑一下,仿佛理解我为什么面露窘态。

“赢了?”

“不,输了”Alec平淡的语气下强压着不满。

“怎么会?”

“去问她吧。”Alec朝左瞥去,不远处的Kim大概察觉到了Alec的目光,很不自然地转过身去。

Alec随即又恢复了故有的笑容,满不在乎地说:“是全国冠军休市B高中的三号队,输给他们倒也没有什么。”

“不过这次并不影响全国决赛的出现权。”我试着安慰Alec。

“很期待在全国决赛上见识一下B高一队的水平”Alec话中充满了自信。

 

车驶在百福大道上,Alec提议去为Chloe买生日卡片。

车转上85号高速公路,从106出口驶出,很快就看到韩国农贸超市。周围是一片新开发的商业购物中心,除去印有花哨亚洲文字的招牌与广场上斑马条纹般整齐崭新的停车线外,零星有数栋未拆的老旧木宅固执地留守在停车场边缘。

深灰色的水泥地面在烈日暴晒下散发出令人反感的气味。我们走到饼干铁盒型的黄油色建筑的角落里,我发现不远处有一家Hallmark超市,便呼唤Alec一同过去。我独自走出不远才发现身后的Alec如雕塑般呆立在原地,双眼紧盯数十米外的一爿星巴克咖啡厅。我随他的目光望去,惊讶地看到Chole和一个身材高大的亚洲男人正从店里走出。两人走向泊在店门口的一辆银灰色兰博基尼,看上去交谈甚欢。两人走到车两侧,向上拉开车门,分别坐了进去,很快只留下引擎的轰鸣声在空旷的停车场内四处回荡。

“去喝点儿什么吧?”

“我没带你给我的假ID。”

Alec笑了:“我是说喝珍珠奶茶。”接着低下头,默然向午后灼热太阳下,孤零地停在停车场中心的车走去。

posted by Cassiopeium at 1:40 pm  

Saturday, September 13, 2008

无知的与肤浅的

无知的人并不一定是肤浅的,就好像在绿皮火车硬座车厢内相识的老农民可以用他生活的智慧将我彻底折服。他没读过四书五经或尼采康德,但他的智慧深深写在饱受岁月侵蚀的面颊所刻有的沟堑之上。

肤浅的人不一定是无知的,比如那些外表光鲜,却丧失自己灵魂的可悲人们。他们的罪恶在于选择了肤浅。他们并不快乐,快乐亦非他们的追求。

显然,我并非可置身事外,对这个荒谬又可爱的社会进行批判。他们会嘲笑并质问:

“那你又是谁?耶稣还是孔圣?”

喜好批判的人往往在最后发现,自己在忙于占领道德制高点的时候将本身的道德缺毫无保留地暴露无遗。

我 学乖了,我学会诡辩,我几乎没有自己的道德准则——所有问题都必须在特定条件下加以引号进行讨论。我的道德灵活性使我善酷爱诡辩,在道德灰色区域游走,从 一个问题的两个相对面看开去,和别人吵的不亦乐乎。但我并不是要说服他们,或让他们在难堪之中哑口无言。我享受每次辩论,享受思维快速运转,享受被人击 败、羞辱,然后投桃报李。

所以长辈说我耳后有反骨,天生爱与人抬杠

-------
不过我也会在懒惰的时候独自思考:

人死后,若仅能存在于亲人与朋友日渐淡去的记忆中,岂不是很可悲?
那有什么是永恒不灭的?

灵魂?不,就算我有灵魂,也早就订好了开往地狱的头等舱,所以我宁愿自己两脚一蹬,成为降解的有机物。

有两件东西是不灭的。

文学。 毋须更多解释了吧。

还有一件东西,我觉得我开始明白了,但我不告诉你。

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:30 pm  

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Yet another beginning

Things have got to get better before they get worse again, such is the cycle of life. Ain’t it, mate? Just so what I reckon, and hoping with all good will.

I feel somewhat anxious nowadays, underneath that seemingly invincible confidence and the Ego that’s becoming aware of its own powers and desires, fear still lies within. Can what was once thought of as insurmountable be overcome?

Witnessing the hype of a fresh epoch commencing at last: anticipation, anxiety, affection, animosity; yet I am willing to detach myself from this very parody of mundane life, watching as a spectator.

Trying  not to think too much, thinking is bad, doing is good.

It’s time to confront your greatest enemy.

Life’s young and bright, worry not for me.

posted by Cassiopeium at 12:50 pm  

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